Stuck in a Rut

It doesn't happen very often, but today, I've found myself stuck in a rut. Here I am, only 1 1/2 weeks into the new semester, and I'm wondering when life will change or get more exciting. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed school and learning, and I always will. That is something I am very thankful for. What I'm not a big fan of is the same old routine. Everything is quite predictable. Wake up, go to class, busy yourself for the hours of the day, practice here, snack there, maybe hit up opera rehearsal or gym for a quick workout, then come home to cook dinner, then homework. Then you wake up and do it again.

One thing that's really been getting to me that's bogging me down and keeping me in a rut is the idea of money. I've never liked the stuff because it makes me so uncomfortable. Yes, I love having it, but not having it makes life so very awkward. I'm blessed to have parents who provide for me even while I am at college. I'm so thankful that they offer to pay tuition, rent, and even give me a grocery/allowance allotment each month, but other than that, I'm without a job and don't really have time to get one. Hence, I am running out of cash...fast. Not having money just puts a damper on everything because like it or not, EVERYTHING costs money. Yes, there are ways to be frugal and save money...I'm the queen of that. But being stingy really prohibits me from having much fun. There's not a whole lot to do without money, which equates to no fun, but spending money to do fun things makes me depressed because I'm having to spend money...so that ultimately leads to not having the best time.

See how I'm in this rut? Dust and I just finished our final dance class of the certificate I bought him for his birthday present, and naturally they try and suck you in with a package of future dance classes. We heard them out, and they tried to talk us into signing up for a $1176 dollar dance package! Did they not understand that we are college/recently graduated college students who are broke and can't just drop one grand like that? When I said, "We're broke. There's no way we can afford that," one lady chuckled and said, "Ha! Broke!" kind of under her breath, as if I were kidding. But really lady! I'm broke!

Here we are, pinching pennies and trying to get by just in normal day-to-day life. Then I think about all the money I will have to raise to participate with Up With People and I damn near have a panic attack. I think it will end up being over $16,000 and I'm looking at my bank statements going, "Huh. How the hell is that going to happen?!"

I always try to remain optimistic, but lately I've just been kind of down. My voice problems are overwhelming me and I'm getting frustrated with not being able to sing and talk. I just want to be fixed. And I want to stop racking up so many medical bills. I hate mentioning bills I receive to my parents because I feel like a horrible child who just washes money right out of their pockets. If it's not medical bills, it's expensive drugs or other things to help my voice heal. And then if it's not medically related, it's life related. I need shoes for the opera. I need to order a graduation gown. I need to pay choir tuition to go on a choir tour I probably won't even sing on. I need to order school books. It just adds up and overwhelms me. Hence this long, drawn-out post. My biggest irritation is wanting to be independent and take care of myself, saving my parents the burden of paying my every financial need, yet here I am without a means of income, so I can't yet do that for myself.

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I a lone, depressing pessimist?